Chaos

Some people get so much love from their surrounding, result of which they stop looking it in their vicinity; they've already climbed to the level of saturation.

Some people think they do not deserve love. They quietly walk away into the empty spaces, trying to fill the missing gaps into their past.

In everybody’s life, there happens to be a time, when they fall in love or feel it for the very first time. For some of them, this moment comes at later stages of their lives where as, for others; time comes relatively at earlier stages. But falling in love and feeling love is two different things like two aspects of a coin.

Everyone has a story to tell. I am too writing a part of mine here. So lend me your sight and bear it.

November 2007, NIT Calicut (present day)

It was raining hard outside from almost last 24 hours continuously. I was sitting inside my hostel room in front of computer, writing a MATLAB code for my FEM due credential course project. Those who do not know what FEM is, FEM is a mathematical technique for solving simple real time based simulation problem in a more complex way when their simple solution is right before you using common sense. Do not worry, I am not going into further details. Music was loud. Some friends of mine came to room and we indulged in throwing crap on each others faces. It is like, we guys are made to make fun of each other in spite of the fact of being best buddies, we play this game quite often.

Past midnight, when I was alone in my room again, I was trying to continue with the project further, but failed to do so because of the distraction caused by neighbor’s big fat mouthed loud conversation with his friend in a ruthless manner on phone. I have had enough on that day, so finally I got up and decided to bury myself under blanket on bed onto which I do not fit properly and most of you might know why. I switched off light and frisked entire bed for my cell phone with closed eyes for putting alarm. After getting stumbled upon some object on my messy junky bed I grabbed it, as the LCD display got lighten up, saw two missed calls from some unknown number. Number was from Delhi, this I can say on behalf of my past years experience with phone numbers. I have changed a lot of numbers back at home, thanks to my friends there, after their numerous attempts of making few pesky calls to some ladies, which made me to try every connection possible at home in Delhi. So I’d memorized their initials by heart.

I did not wanted to dial but in exhilaration of finding some girl, which most of we guys think after looking at some missed call on our cell phones, I did dial that number, it was ringing…ringing…ringing…

August 1998, K.V Gole Market

It was a humid day and summer did not die completely. Sun was out high above in the sky knocking on my window, wanted me to wake up for school. I cursed him for it, lying on the bed reluctant to go to the school. But I got up with spark and left for the school.

School was usually boring, teachers engaging all periods, loads of homework, no time for fun stuff. The only reason why I was regular at school was Priyanka. Talking of which, she was this girl in my class with extraordinary smile, smile you’ll die for. She is first crush or rather love(one sided, that does not matter) of my life too, I know it’s a little bit early, for me or for the matter, for anybody else on this planet to have such a thing on somebody else. But I kept this thing of mine with my self only. I was too afraid of telling it to anybody especially her and was scared of rejection. Well I do not remember if I have ever had a chit chat even a ‘hi’ with her. I was very mischievous at that time, but in front of her I always act like a newly born lamb. It always happens to me if I like a girl, I don’t know what brings this transition, may be the fact of losing her if I behave the way I am. I was not confident enough to make decisions, was too pessimistic.

Finally after so much thinking and motivational lessons given by my best friend Nitin whom I did not tell about my feelings for Priyanka, I decided to write her a letter without telling Nitin off course (bad idea according to him), describing how much she is important to me.

“

Dear Priyanka,

From the very first day, when I saw you in the class smiling, I felt like this is it. I want to be with you, I hope our time together would bring you sunshine and an occasional laugh. I lust want to say I LOVE YOU.

Nitin

“

I know what you all must be thinking, but my courage backed out at last moment. And yeah, the content of that love letter was copied from some valentine day card which I bought that year for her but couldn’t give her because I didn’t had the guts. So after placing that letter inside her desk, so cruel of me, I came back to my desk waiting for her response after reading it. Response of which, I had apparently dreamt about several times. After reading it, she went to him directly, and as soon as she slapped him, I closed my eyes, it was difficult to imagine myself into his shoes that day. I learned my lesson that day, never copy from a valentine’s day card and 2^nd, do not write your best friends name at such dangerous location.

After few days, she changed school. And after 2 years I too changed mine.

June 2005, PVR Saket

I was waiting to join my campus, still one more month left to pass. And for the matter of doing something constructive, I had joined NIIT JAVA classes Connaught place. Most of the modules were over, which I did not understand a bit, but I was happy with whatever I had learned. I was totally changed by that time, and I know most of you who know me personally would be disagreeing with my last sentence. Yes, but I was feeling different.

So we were celebrating at PVR of our last day at NIIT, off course we bunked our last lecture, occupying two tables at McDonald’s. We were talking all loud and suddenly a girl passed me, I could not see her face. She took the corner table which is at some distance from ours. Her back was facing me. She was like AMAZING from behind, brown hairs pony tied with blue ribbon, blue ear rings, blue t-shirt and finally black jeans, such a relief after so much blue. She was the girl with everything in right proportion from the view I was having. She was on phone talking to somebody shaking her head vigorously. It was a mesmerizing sight. I was completely out of my world, pretty much into oblivion, did not care what is happening around me, waitress slipped and dropped the order I DON’T CARE, my friend got drenched in coke, the waitress dropped I DON’T CARE, all of my friends suddenly stood up, shouting at me to get up from the table but I DON’T CARE, no I do care, I felt my pants wet, what the hell, from that table coke made way to wet my pants too. No I did not want to leave this sight behind to rest room. But I had to. Friends changed table, and when I resumed out of washroom, I saw them sitting right next to the table where that angel was sitting. I closed my eyes and thanked god with full heart and promised to visit him regularly. But again as I opened my eyes happily, wait a minutes, who is this devil sitting with her, holding up hand and whispering in her ears. That sight was enviable. My dream was shattered like window pan hit by a cricket ball, now this shattering thing was regular with me, I was getting used to it. One more pretty face on this planet is booked. I saw the guys face, some peculiarity in face stopped me from moving. I was ajar standing like a waiter waiting for their order in front of their table, they did not notice me. Suddenly both of them look upward, and with in a split second both of us uttered “is it you”. It was Nitin, I was taken aback by his presence here that day. We hugged each other like brothers. He introduced me to his girlfriend ‘Priyanka’.

What the fish, again a tragic moment of my life. My best friend with my first crush whom I couldn’t get the time to tell about my feelings, I was happy and sad at the same time. He introduced me to her by telling me that she was in our class only. What a surprise I was getting. We exchanged greetings like acquaintances. This day was among one of the worst days of my life.

After our last meeting, I and priyanka got pretty mixed up, but just as a friend, no other issues. I was at college for whole semester. Once in a while I received her messages, but maintained low tracking record with her. She was my best friend’s girl friend. Can not manage to think of her the other way.

December 2005, Centre Stage Mall Noida

I was home for semester break. Received a call from Priyanka, Nitin was not in town and she really wanted to watch this movie Rang De Basanti and asked for company. I offered her one. After movie we were sitting in food court and having evening meal. She did not had anything, only I was having I should say. After that we took a stroll for window shopping which was totally her idea. It was freaking me out wandering like tramps buying nothing but pointing at objects. I don’t know what girls get from it, why its so amusing for them. Well sometimes one of the most utterly stupid things on earth will intrigue them somehow. And they manage all this with such an elegancy like nothing happened and they rule this world. And we have to support them in this doing of their. Because we have no other option, just take the brunt and bear them.

On our walk from one window to another, I don’t know what happened to me, I told her that I had a crush on her back in school days. I felt like a volcano exploded somewhere and effect of which is creating earthquake, otherwise why my legs are shivering. I thought, that’s it here comes a tight slap on my face. I closed my eyes looking in some other direction, avoiding direct eye contact. She was staring at me. When I looked back, she moved forward and told me, that she also had a huge crush or affinity towards me. She liked me very much in school and wanted to talk to me but was afraid of something.

Well, I can understand, at late 90’s there was a genuine belief that for any relation guy must have to approach girl. It was taboo for girl if they do the opposite, other wise she will be marked as desperate. I was feeling myself a complete jackass. But nothing can be done now.

We parted away from there, and I did not hear anything from her or about her.

November 2007, NIT Calicut (next day)

I called that unknown number once again after class. After few round of ringing, feminine voice replied, my heart was throbbing with excitement. Well sometimes it happens, so folks always reply or call back to your missed calls, who know what destiny is unfolding for you. But my destiny had something else up its sleeves. Girl continued, she told me that she is Priyanka’s friend. Priyanka’s father got a job in Egypt and she moved there with her family yesterday. She wanted to talk to me about something but I was not available. She also told me that Nitin and she got broke up after my meeting with her last time. She did not leave any contact number or something. My heart was sinking deep down below.

I had no idea what to do and now also I am still clueless. Just letting it go out of memories. I just wish, I had have taken that decision back then at school. But nothing can change now.