Chapter 3 : Guns' & Roses'

Somewhere Near School, 14th February 2005

‘Drill hole, I told you not to take that detour for heaven’s sake, should have taken our usual route. And now, as plain as the nose on your face, this diversion which you claimed as a shortcut doesn’t appear any shorter to me.’

‘I think we are missing something.’

‘Yeah, your tiny brain. We’d missed it back home.’

‘Well we took this cut from the main road and that water tank is over there. It means we are here, behind school premises and football ground is there I assume.’ I drew a few lines on the ground with the help of a stick.

‘You know what! Fuck you and your methods!’ Shashank finally yelled.

‘Hold on for a sec.’ I said calmly.

‘Are you even listening? Don’t you get it? We are fucked and that too royally, and this fuck is not how normal people like you and me pipe dreams to get fucked but it’s like how faggots fantasize getting fucked and I m telling you it ain’t any pleasing and not to forget, pain is excruciating.’ His face was becoming red like an iron rod kept in a flame.

‘I assume, sacred wall is in that direction.’ I pointed towards some shrubbery couple of feet away almost ignoring Shashank’s roar.

I moved in that direction without wasting any time and jumped in the bushes. Upon walking few feet, we reached a wall. Here it was, before us stood, THE SACRED WALL.

Sacred wall is the wall separating our school building with the other institutional buildings like teacher’s quarter, golf course and general library. Ever since the foundation of our school was laid, the architect who constructed it took all possible precautions listed in different architectural jargons, for constructing a school boundary wall in such a way so that students could not bunk school. The Wall was 4 feet thick and 12 feet high with barb-wire fencing and glassy protection, making it absolutely impregnable from outside as well as inside. Serving students made a number of attempts with little hope, but all endeavors for bunking were foiled because of this gigantic mammoth the architect bestowed upon them. In the later on years, word reached different corners of the country and the architect was given assignments for designing walls for different penitentiaries across the country. In the school, the energy was low and morale was withering. Tyranny of teachers brain-killing lectures and frequent class tests made it impossible for inmates to survive this agony. In this period of Dismay, A leader rose from the ashes. He guided other captives towards redemption. He showed them the true path of salvation; he gave them commandments for how not to waste their school life running after mundane grades and materialistic trophies. He demonstrated quality leadership by inaugurating the tunneling activity to make an underpass beneath that wall so that convicts could lead a normal student life with bunking as an integral part of their school curriculum. He was expelled from the school when others followed him on his path of deliverance; he was caught watching a movie with others in the school time at a nearby theatre. Like every other saint, he sacrificed himself for others, and with this his name was engraved in the history with golden letters. His stories shall be told in the school till eternity.

We crossed the wall and started moving towards the school buildings after paying reverence to this great Savior of STUDENT-KIND.

Papa kehte hain bada naam karega,

Beta hamara aisa kaam karega.

Magar yeh to koi na jaane,

Ki meri manzil hai kahan.

*song being played at some distance

‘Sorry, what were you saying?’

‘No nothing, I am finally relieved that we made it in time. I’d almost convinced myself that I’m definitely going to miss our Farewell because of one wise-bin experimenting with routes.’ He grumbled.

‘You can thank me now.’

‘Thank you? Kiss my scrawny arse! I’m thankful for nothing.’ He howled.

‘You’re welcome.’

It was the last day of school. I had knots in my stomach, was feeling uneasy. I was looking for Jess. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with her. I hadn't missed classes even once in the last 2 years as I didn't want to miss out on Jess for even a single day. Everybody in class thought I and Jess made a good team. Even I thought so. Quizzing, debating, dramatics…We often paired up as a team. In fact sitting on the podium, facing a volley of questions and beating the shit out of other teams gave us a high. Competitions had brought us close, not just as partners but as friends.

Mera to sapna hai ek chehra

Dekhe jo usko jhoome bahar

Gaalon mein khilti kaliyon ka mausam

Aankhon mein jaadu honthon mein pyaar.

*song being played in the background

‘I think you should tell her.’

‘Tell her what?’ I asked casually.

‘You know very well what I mean, obviously your feelings for her, you wise ass!’

‘Ohh that… I don’t think it’s the right time.’

‘Trust me brother, if you’d unremittingly ignore me on this delicate front, your right time will never come.’ He became serious suddenly.

‘Don’t screw with my head.’ I was annoyed.

‘I am not the one who is screwing around. Believe me, tell her before she starts going out with him. He has already asked her out a couple of times. It won’t take long for her to fall for him, you know?’ he gave this jerk to his head in the direction opposite to me, insinuating something.

I spotted Jess in the company of Vishal. My face changed its color to a darker shade of red. I hated Vishal, school prefect; head of the literary society, captain of the football team, in short he was a stud. He played football as brilliantly as he performed at his exams. Vishal was tall, fair, fun, and athletic. He had a killing smile; of which most or I should say all girls in the school were victims. He was the guy I envied the most.

‘I’ll say one more time incase you’d problem listening to it the last time, you retard.’ I said somewhat hiding my frustration ‘Stop with this mind fuck already, will you?’

I tried looking in the other direction, but Jess had already caught me looking at her. So the next minute she started walking towards me.

‘Alright alright… here here, she is coming…’ Shashank bamboozled.

‘Last day...’ I began.

‘Yup, last day. Can’t believe school is over.’

‘So, having fun?’ I asked trying to sound cool

‘Yeah…’she said looking in the direction of Vishal.

I was finding it hard to contain my jealousy but forced a plastic smile.

‘Hey... I almost forgot, Guess who the mysterious Rose sending guy is?’

‘You already know! Who told you?’ I was mystified.

‘Ramya told me, actually he asked her to give me this.’ she was holding a rose.

‘He? who?’

‘What who? Vishal, he is such an idiot, sometimes. I was almost certain that he is behind all this and today this rose erased all doubts. He almost got me scared with this stalking business.’ she said looking again in his direction.

‘It’s creepy. Right?’

‘No, I think it’s kind of cute.’

Girls will be girls. I don’t know how the stupidest thing in the world intrigues them the most.

‘So?’ I enquired.

‘So what?’ she asked innocently.

‘Huh, I mean. What did you say to him then?’

They know how to make a guy speak. Ignorance and Dumbness are such a powerful tool.

‘Not much. I just told him that I don’t like this kind of public display of affection. Some things are meant to remain hush-hush for good. ’

‘But you find it cute, then why would you want it to be a secret in the first place?’

‘You know what your problem is, you ask too many questions and at times they become really irritating, makes me go crazy. And you definitely don’t want me to be mad at you right now, do you? And why do you care so much about what I should do or what I shouldn’t? You’re not my boy friend or anything.’ She teased.

‘Yeah, Whatever.’ I said, looking at the ground.

‘Yeah whatever! Don’t give me this whatever.’ She screeched.

‘Btw, heard you would do your college in Mumbai’ Shashank tried changing the topic sensing the heat our last argument generated.

‘Yep. Dad wants me to be a journalist. Would be joining Xavier’s.’

‘Nice’ my voice gave away my disappointment.

‘And then? ‘He asked.

‘Then I find a Cool guy for myself.’ She added grinning.

I was taken back by the reply. But quickly recovered and laughed.

‘No...He meant your career plans. You are thick. ’ I added

‘Ohh… about that, I’ll join media services. There’s lot of money in that field. And they even get a lot of holidays.’

‘Oh great.’ Shashank appreciated

‘What about you?’ she prompted

‘I don’t know ...maybe engineering.’ Shashank replied while I was scratching my head trying to figure out what kind of profession would impress her.

Praveen and Rahul called out for shashank and he followed their lead inside the hall.

‘And you?’

‘Engineering may be. ’ somehow I managed to say after putting a lot of stress on my brain which went in vain the moment I answered her.

When you can’t do anything else with your life, you end up doing Engineering. It is like Godsend.

‘That’s great. But I wonder if you would make a good engineer.’

‘I am afraid, your opinion won't change anything. I’ll be an engineer no matter what.’ I said curtly

Jess smiled and said, ‘No I meant you are too emotional and if you give away to your emotions this easily, it would be hard for you. You know, they say engineering is a tough call to make.’

I was almost thinking on what to say next when suddenly Jess seemed to have remembered something.

‘Hey I, I need to talk something important to you. Let’s take a walk.’

‘ok.’

‘Look, first you need to promise me you won't react, even if you don’t like what I say. Second, you are free to say whatever comes in your mind’ She pauses for 2 seconds and then, ‘The thing is…’ she hesitated before adding ‘ Ramya likes you.’

I wondered, the knots in my stomach growing tighter.

‘What?’

‘Just listen, alright. She wanted to tell you this but she is scared you might not take it too well. So she has asked me to talk to you about this. See, Ramya is a nice girl. I know her, she's my best friend. She really likes you.’

I was fuming. I could no longer take this. The girl I loved was vouching for her best friend.

‘You know what? Both you and Ramya can go to hell’ Saying so I stormed out of the hall. I didn't want her to notice the disappointment down my face. I was angry, hurt and upset.

‘I, I am sorry. I don't want that one episode to ruin our friendship. I’ll talk to Ramya about this too. She would be happy to have you as just a friend.’ She followed me till outside. She ran, came in front of me and blocked my way.

I was getting choked. I felt this sudden surge of emotion. It was getting hard for me to hide my feelings from her.

‘Jess, can we go somewhere else?’

‘Now? Juniors are on final part of the play, name giving ceremony is right after that.’

‘Jess...please. It’s important. ‘

‘Ok gimme 10 minutes, I’ll ask Ramya to cover for me at the event.’

I was nervous while I waited for Jess in the football ground under the tree. I kept rehearsing my lines. I saw Jess coming and I froze.

‘Yeah… What is it?’ Jess said panting.

I was feeling a lot awkward. I couldn't look her into the eye.

‘Well...it's nothing important. I… I just wanted to say I would miss you after you leave this town.’ And I stopped.

‘That’s it? You made me come all the way, so that you could tell me this...?’ Jess said looking frustrated.

She looked at me and I was struggling to find words. I felt like a fool. My heart was beating a thousand beats per minute and I was scared like a rat facing a cat, which is eagerly waiting to gulp him down at one go.

She looked at me for few second and then dashed away towards the hall. I stood there feeling stupid for couple of minutes. On the way back to Farewell hall, Rahul, Praveen and Shashank caught me in dull shape and together we started moving in the direction of our hideout, which was at the extreme end of second floor in the currently deserted junior wing.

******

‘Where did you hide the stash? Praveen questioned.’

‘Last bench, look for the green polyethene.’ Rahul gave the direction.

‘You guys boozing! In the middle of this freaking day?’ I asked.

‘Brother, I can bear anything, but now you’re just crossing line and defiling the meaning of booze which I can’t tolerate. One can booze anytime and any number of times one wishes to in a day. You should not question the consumption of this heavenly drink. Even gods had madira, you know how it is difficult to get time from their busy schedule of watching young ladies dance right before their eyes. You should pay proper respect while….’Shashank tried explaining ruthlessly.

‘Hey hey…knock it off already.’ Praveen shrieked

‘Trust me dude, you need it more than any of us right now. Try blending all your sorrows into it. You’ll feel good.’ Rahul suggested.

‘Huh, I don’t think so, but thanks’

20 minutes later…

‘Life is a bitch.’ Somebody said.

‘That’s why they say if you wish to live happily, be a dog.’ Somebody replied.

‘How the fish this being a dog related anywhere remotely with living life happily, care to explain?’ this is Praveen with his hoarse voice.

‘Life is a Byatch, be a Dawg and hump it like doggies.’ It looks like shashank and one of his weird philosophies.

‘khi khi khi… I am a pathetic loser. I don’t know how to tell her. Every time I see her, my tongue just tie it up. Hey this thing is great, what is it… orange or apple? By the way, why the hell is this wall behind you shaking? And this glass is appearing colorful? I can’t feel my stomach. Am I going to die?’ It was alcohol talking from within.

‘Hey listen, Right time has come. You should tell her about your feelings now. This is the best time, if she refuses just tell her you were drunk and you had no idea what you were saying. It would act as a perfect excuse too.’ Shashank encouraged me.

‘I m scared. She might slap me.’

‘Atleast a slap is better if it end all of your suffering. It’s a divine intervention… an opportunity, just think, after this you would be able to untangle your life. And you can move on to next girl after putting a permanent full stop on this current chapter you are so struggling with. Finally you’ll be free. Towards Liberation!’ Shashank hailed his glass filled with Vodka in the air.

‘But I want to be with her’ I said slowly to myself, no one noticed.

Everybody followed him.

‘Okay, I m no coward. Please help me get up, I can’t feel my legs. Am I dying?’

‘Asshole you are not dying, just focus on what you’re gonna say.’ Shahsank yelled.

‘khi khi khi.’ It’s Alcohol again.

‘Show her, what you have got. Go and make me proud my boi.’ Praveen expressed his faith.

‘I will… I will…’

They helped me reach hall without any damage and in a single piece.

Moment I went to the Stage, I saw around 1OO people looking at me, giving dirty looks. I had to face my greatest fear. My speech had to be my Sistine Chapel... my Ninth Symphony, my "Citizen Kane". My words needed to be more inspirational...than Martin Luther King's "l Have a Dream" speech. They had to be more miraculous than Mark McGuire's 7th home run. I wanted to use impressive words like "destiny", "soul mate", "yearnings". It takes a big man to yearn. I wanted to put my heart out.

‘I’m Honey. I just want to say something to a person who is really special to me. Yeah it’s you Jess, without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog in the highway! We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together. I'll never make wise cracks...when you scrape your tires against the curb or parallel parking. I'll strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you even if you are Mimi and you want me to say "May-May". I'll go on a low-cholesterol diet. And I won't buy a red sports car when I have my mid-life crisis. I'll separate the whites from the colors... I'll learn the mysteries of hot water and cold water washes. I'll never huff and puff waiting for you to put on your make-up. If you're a cat person, I'll never say that a dog can save your life. I'll happily go see flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice". I'll make it a point to try new foods, like okra gumbo. I’ll regularly listen to your daily triumphs and struggles with full attention. I won't turn my nose at vegetables whose awful taste... is disguised by having cheese put on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "is my hair looking okay?" I'm gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle". I'll be thoughtful enough to read you horoscope every day. I'm gonna save every birthday card you send me. And I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart. I'm never gonna expect you to know where I left my keys... and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find the cap's always on the toothpaste. I wanna kiss you right now so badly. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you ever had. Jessica, I want to be with you and hold you. I want to gently touch your face and cup your cheeks. I want to hold your hand across the table in the restaurant. I want you to know how beautiful you are in my eyes. I want you to know how much I cherish and adore you. I want to give my heart to you. I want your heart, I want it all. I declare now, I'll give my life for you. If you fail to come to me... I know some part of me will surely die.’

Without uttering a word she scuttled towards the exit. It was a plain rejection. Vishal ran after her.

I climbed down the stage, stumbled on a few steps and fell on the ground. Alcohol was taking control of my body. People around helped me get a chair. I searched my shirt pocket for a parchment. I opened it up. It started raining. Droplets fell on me, hiding my tears underneath them. I was crying and to others it appeared as if rain is taking its toll. Few drops fell on the letter setting off the ink to bloat…

I give you flowers because I believe them to be tender. Tender here is the word of soul for all my heart and feelings revolve around it. It’s the way I feel for you. I love you beyond my capacity to understand. But you are oblivious to the fact.

I give you flowers because they make you smile and that smile is worth every effort that I would love to make, just so I may see that one chirpy smile for the rest of……

I give you flowers so you may know that this is how I feel for you. I believe that flowers speak a language that transcends the boundaries of all languages. I pray someday you too would see that. I know that you don’t love me, nor do you understand the intensity with which I love you.

These roses are meant to make your day, even though I burn here, sometimes of jealousy and sometimes just out of the pain of being oblivious in your life. I know that you have some doors of the past you haven’t closed. The ones that make my life more difficult, that distance you from me. Would you shut out the others?

I know not what prevents you from closing those doors, is it the pleasure of the chase or the hunt or is it some skewed sense of thirst for inconsequential power? I know not.

The roses I send come with their thorns, and they speak for me when they come to you. Underneath the tenderness of the wild rose lies the thorn that speaks of the pain when you act oblivious to my love. But the thorns aren’t meant for you, they are for me. They stay invisible to you underneath the tender moistened roses which are solely meant for you. They are true in their words that I care for you in ways you will probably never understand. All I can do is send this message through flowers and hope that you, someday, might understand.

Love

Honey

I folded the letter like it originally was and kept it inside my pocket. It had been five days since I’ve been sending her the flowers. And it’d been five days of joy for me, every time I saw her face light up. The roses were beautiful, and so was she. Would she know, I never knew... it didn't matter.